Oh, social media—the double-edged sword that can connect us or cut us. Recently, I posted a story about a breakthrough I had with an ADHD parent client and her son. This kiddo was making constant noises—humming, clicking, and drumming on every available surface. Sound familiar? If you’ve got an ADHD kid, you know that stimming isn’t just common; it’s part of the package. But for this mom, the relentless soundtrack of her son’s life was pushing her to the brink.

Enter the detective game. Instead of nagging or punishing, we turned self-awareness into a playful mission. Her son became a "detective," tasked with spotting when and where he was making these noises. It was fun, empowering, and effective. Parents loved the idea in the comments, but then someone threw a curveball:

“This sounds like ADHD masking. That’s harmful.”

Oof. If you’ve ever been misunderstood while trying to help, you know how much this stings. The comment stayed with me—not because I doubted what I was teaching, but because it highlighted a deeper misunderstanding about what ADHD masking is versus what self-monitoring aims to achieve.

Let’s break it down, because this is important stuff for all of us in the ADHD parenting trenches.

What Is ADHD Masking?

First, let’s talk about ADHD masking. Imagine you’re a kid who constantly hears:

• “Stop fidgeting.”

• “Use your inside voice.”

• “Why are you always so dramatic?”

After years of being told that your natural behaviors are "too much," you start to hide them. You suppress the leg bounces, the blurting out, the endless doodling—not because you want to but because you feel you have to in order to fit in. That’s masking.

Why kids mask:

• To avoid negative judgment or punishment.

• To fit in socially, especially in school where "different" is often misunderstood as "wrong."

• To please authority figures like parents or teachers.

The long-term effects of masking:
Masking is not a sustainable solution. Studies, including one from Frontiers in Psychology, show that masking can lead to burnout, low self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression. For many ADHD kids, masking creates an internal conflict: the need to suppress who they are versus the desire to just be.

And here’s the kicker—it often backfires. When kids mask their ADHD, they may appear inattentive or disengaged rather than active participants in their own lives. The cost of hiding is too high.

So, What Is Self-Monitoring?

Self-monitoring, on the other hand, is about empowerment. It’s not about changing who you are—it’s about understanding who you are. Think of it as giving your child a toolbox to navigate the world, not to erase their ADHD but to thrive with it.

Why self-monitoring matters:

Self-monitoring helps ADHD kids:

• Develop self-awareness: They learn to notice their own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions.

• Build emotional regulation skills: Once they recognize what they’re feeling, they can choose how to respond.

• Enhance independence: Instead of relying on constant reminders from parents or teachers, they begin to manage themselves.

Research backs this up. A study in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology found that self-monitoring techniques significantly improved both on-task behavior and task completion in children with ADHD. And here’s the golden nugget: self-monitoring isn’t just a tool for childhood; it’s a skill for life.

Masking vs. Self-Monitoring: The Key Difference

If masking is about hiding, self-monitoring is about highlighting. It’s teaching kids to notice what they’re doing and decide, “Is this working for me right now?” This isn’t about conforming to neurotypical standards; it’s about equipping ADHD kids to understand and advocate for their own needs.

For example:

• Masking says: "I can’t stim because people might think I’m weird."

• Self-monitoring says: "I stim because it helps me focus, but maybe I can do it in a way that doesn’t distract others during class."

It’s not about erasing quirks. It’s about recognizing them, owning them, and managing them in a way that works for the child—not just everyone else around them.

How to Teach Self-Monitoring to ADHD Kids

Now that we know how powerful self-monitoring can be, let’s talk about how to teach it in a way that’s fun, engaging, and age-appropriate. Because let’s be real: if it’s boring, your ADHD kid is checking out faster than a toddler in a library.

1. Make It a Game

Turn self-monitoring into a playful challenge. Can they “catch” themselves doing certain behaviors? This could be a stimming action, interrupting, or even zoning out.

• Tools: A small notebook for tally marks, stickers as rewards, or even a “detective badge” to make it official.

2. Use Visuals

ADHD kids thrive with visuals. Create charts, scales, or even little emoji cards that represent different emotions or behaviors. This makes abstract concepts (like emotions or impulses) more concrete.

• Pro Tip: Use colors! Green could mean “I’m calm,” yellow is “I’m starting to get antsy,” and red is “I need a break NOW.”

3. Incorporate Technology

There are amazing apps designed to help with self-monitoring. Tools like Habitica or the Headspace for Kids app (my fave) can gamify mindfulness and habit-building.

4. Role-Playing Scenarios

Create mini skits where your child practices noticing and naming their feelings or actions. You can be their “coach” and guide them through what to do next.

• Example: Pretend they’re in class and feel the urge to tap their pencil. What could they do instead?

5. Check-In Chats

Set aside time daily to ask, “What’s something you noticed about yourself today? How did it make you feel?” These conversations build awareness over time.

6. Movement-Friendly Solutions

For kids who stim with movement, give them options like stress balls, fidget toys, or even stretchy bands under their desk to bounce their legs on. This teaches them to redirect rather than suppress.

7. The Power of Reflection

At the end of the day, reflect together:

• “What was your body doing today that helped you?”

• “What could you do differently tomorrow?”

Feeling Lost After Your Child's Diagnosis??

Feeling lost after your child’s ADHD diagnosis? Sanity Restored is your one-stop shop for support! Get weekly Q&A calls with me, a trained parent coach, access to a community of parents who get it, and monthly workshops with ADHD specialists. Use the link to join the waitlist!

Work With Me | The Meditated Mama

Wrapping It Up

When I posted about the detective game, my heart was in the right place, and the message resonated with so many parents who are desperate for strategies that don’t involve constant battles. But the pushback gave me an opportunity to clarify an important distinction: ADHD masking and self-monitoring are not the same.

Masking is a shield. Self-monitoring is a mirror. One hides who you are; the other reveals who you’re becoming.

If we can teach our kids to know themselves deeply and trust that they’re capable of making adjustments—not because the world demands it but because it serves them—we’re giving them the ultimate gift: the ability to thrive in their own beautifully neurodivergent way.

If you found this article helpful, check out this piece with my top resources for ADHD parenting. 👉 The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Survival Kit: Resources That Saved My Sanity | The Meditated Mama

So, let’s trade shame for self-awareness, criticism for curiosity, and rigidity for tools. And hey, if a detective game makes the journey more fun, who’s going to argue with that?