14 July 2024

Why I Chose Not to Spank My Child: A Journey of Patience, Understanding, and ADHD

Hi Meditated Mama’s! When you find awesome products through my site, there’s a chance they’re affiliate links. If you click on one and make a purchase, I might receive a commission, at no extra cost to you. It helps me to share valuable content for free! Thank you for your support!

girl standing beside glass window
girl standing beside glass window

Alright, let’s talk about the elephant in the parenting room: spanking. It’s a hot topic, right? One that gets even hotter when you throw ADHD into the mix. Picture this: we’re at a family gathering, everyone’s enjoying the chaos of cousins playing and adults trying to catch up on life. Suddenly, a shriek pierces the air. My cousin has just swatted her lively child for throwing a toy, and my own son, wide-eyed and frozen, stares in shock and awe. It was a wake-up call for me.

So, grab a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine—no judgment here), and let’s dive into why I chose not to spank my child and why it doesn’t work, especially for kids with ADHD.

The Temptation of the Quick Fix

Let’s be real—parenting is hard. Parenting a child with ADHD? It’s like leveling up in a video game where the cheat codes change every day. You think you’ve got it all figured out, and then—BAM!—a new challenge pops up that throws you completely off your game. Your child is bouncing off the walls, leaving a trail of chaos in their wake, and your patience is hanging by a thread, thinner than a spider's web. In those moments, spanking can seem like a quick fix—a shortcut to immediate obedience. After all, it’s what many of us grew up with, right? A swift swat and the problem was solved. Or so it seemed.

The Illusion of Control

The truth is, spanking gives the illusion of control. It’s a quick way to assert dominance and stop the behavior in the moment. When you’re exhausted and frazzled, it’s tempting to reach for that immediate solution. But what we often overlook is the long-term impact. Sure, spanking might stop the behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t address the underlying issues. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound—it covers it up for now, but the real problem still festers beneath the surface.

The ADHD Factor

Now, throw ADHD into the mix, and things get even more complicated. Kids with ADHD process the world differently. Their brains are wired for impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention. They aren’t being difficult on purpose; their behavior is a manifestation of their neurological differences. When we spank, we’re not teaching them to manage these differences—we’re simply punishing them for having them. It’s like punishing a fish for swimming.

The Cycle of Frustration

Spanking a child with ADHD often leads to a vicious cycle of frustration. The child doesn’t understand why they’re being hit, so their behavior doesn’t change. The parent becomes more frustrated, thinking the spanking wasn’t hard enough or frequent enough. So, the spankings continue, the behavior persists, and both parent and child end up locked in a battle of wills, each more frustrated than before.

The Emotional Fallout

And let’s not forget the emotional fallout. Spanking can lead to feelings of shame, fear, and resentment in children. They might comply out of fear, but it doesn’t foster understanding or teach them better ways to cope with their impulses. For a child with ADHD, who already struggles with self-esteem and emotional regulation, spanking can be particularly damaging. It tells them that their natural behaviors are bad and punishable, which can lead to a host of emotional and behavioral problems down the line.

The Research Speaks

The research backs this up. Studies have shown that spanking is linked to increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health issues in children. One study in Pediatrics found that children who were spanked were more likely to develop emotional problems, anxiety, and depression. For kids with ADHD, who are already at a higher risk for these issues, spanking is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

So, what’s the alternative? It starts with understanding. Understanding that our kids, especially those with ADHD, need guidance and support, not punishment. They need us to help them navigate their impulses, not shame them for having them. And most importantly, they need our patience and love, even on the days when we’re ready to pull our hair out.

Spanking might seem like a quick fix in the heat of the moment, but in the long run, it does more harm than good. By choosing not to spank, we’re choosing to break the cycle of frustration and build a foundation of understanding and trust. And that, my friends, is a game-changer.

Positive Discipline: A Game-Changer

So, what’s a mom to do? Enter positive discipline. It’s not about being a pushover or letting your kiddo run wild. It’s about setting clear boundaries, being consistent, and using consequences that teach rather than punish. Positive discipline is rooted in respect and empathy, aiming to guide children towards better behavior without breaking their spirit.

If you would like a deep-dive into how positive parenting can transform your relationship with your child with ADHD, check out this article: Comprehending Discipline for Children with ADHD: 20 Positive Discipline Strategies for Parents | The Meditated Mama

The Power of Positive Discipline

Studies have shown that positive discipline techniques can significantly improve behavior and emotional outcomes for children, especially those with ADHD. According to research from the American Academy of Pediatrics, children who experience positive discipline are more likely to exhibit prosocial behaviors, such as sharing and empathy, and less likely to engage in aggressive behavior compared to children who are spanked. Furthermore, a study published in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review found that positive parenting practices, including positive discipline, are associated with better academic performance, enhanced social skills, and fewer behavioral problems in children with ADHD.

Setting Clear Boundaries

The cornerstone of positive discipline is setting clear, consistent boundaries. Kids with ADHD often struggle with understanding and following rules, so it’s essential to make expectations clear and consistent. This doesn't mean rigid control but rather providing a structured environment where your child knows what's expected of them.

Consistency is Key

Consistency helps children with ADHD feel secure and understand the link between actions and consequences. When rules and expectations are consistently applied, it reduces confusion and helps your child develop a sense of predictability. This, in turn, can decrease anxiety and improve behavior.

Teaching Through Consequences

Using consequences that teach rather than punish is another fundamental aspect of positive discipline. For example, if your child with ADHD is having a hard time following directions, work on breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. Offer positive reinforcement when they succeed. This approach not only encourages compliance but also builds their confidence and competence.

Practical Tips for Managing ADHD without Spanking

Routine is Your Best Friend: Kids with ADHD thrive on routine. Consistent schedules help reduce anxiety and improve behavior. Think of it as giving your child a roadmap for the day. Research shows that children with ADHD benefit from structured environments, which can help them manage their symptoms more effectively.

Praise the Positive: Catch them being good. Positive reinforcement can work wonders. Celebrate the small victories—whether it’s following instructions or simply sitting still for a few minutes. According to a study in the Journal of Attention Disorders, positive reinforcement significantly improves task performance and reduces disruptive behavior in children with ADHD.

Stay Calm and Breathe: Easier said than done, I know. But your calmness helps regulate their storm. When you feel like you’re about to lose it, take a deep breath (or ten) and respond rather than react. Modeling calm behavior can help your child learn to self-regulate their emotions.

Natural Consequences: Let natural consequences do the teaching. If your child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, they’ll feel cold. It’s a learning experience without the need for spanking. Natural consequences are a powerful way to teach responsibility and decision-making skills without resorting to punishment.

Seek Support: Parenting a child with ADHD can feel isolating. Connect with other parents, join support groups, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, support groups and therapy can provide valuable resources and emotional support, helping parents feel less isolated and more empowered.

Tried Everything and Still Struggling??

Do you find yourself longing for support, guidance, and a listening ear? I'm here to help! Sign up for a complimentary 30-minute coaching call where we can chat one-on-one about your unique struggles and explore personalized strategies to help you navigate the ups and downs of ADHD parenting. Together, we'll uncover practical techniques, mindset shifts, and coping mechanisms to bring more peace, clarity, and joy into your family's life. Click the link below to schedule your free coaching call today—I can't wait to connect with you and support you on your parenting journey.

https://calendly.com/danielle-tmm/coaching-consultation

The Bigger Picture

Positive discipline is about more than just managing behavior—it’s about fostering a healthy, supportive relationship with your child. It’s about teaching them how to navigate the world, understand their emotions, and develop the skills they need to succeed. By choosing positive discipline, we’re choosing to nurture our children’s potential, build their self-esteem, and equip them with the tools they need to thrive.

So, let’s raise our coffee mugs (or wine glasses) to patience, understanding, and positive discipline. Here’s to creating a world where our kids feel loved, supported, and capable—ADHD and all.

girl covering her face with both hands
girl covering her face with both hands

Cheers to breaking the cycle of frustration and building a foundation of trust and respect. Because at the end of the day, our kids deserve nothing less.

Why I Chose Not to Spank My Child: A Journey of Patience, Understanding, and ADHD

Discover why positive discipline is a game-changer for kids with ADHD. Learn practical, research-backed strategies for managing behavior without spanking.

7/15/20247 min read